Feeling Lost

Things have gotten bad... the worst, really.
She has days


I don't know how to deal with this.
My heart is breaking for them all
And I feel like I can't talk about it.


I won't ever see her again

Sleeve Tattoo?

Sleeve tattoo?
Uhmm, yes please!!


I have decided that I want a black and grey sleeve.
So I started designing one. Which is kind of weird because I haven't drawn anything in the last four-ish years! Oy vey

I only have the upper arm (and probably not complete either) drawn out, and I love it.

So far what is  incorporated : cat skull (my favourite animal, skull because I love skulls), and a pointillism golden ratio swirl of circles increasing in size from the centre.
What I want in it: a crystal formation (because I fucking LOVE crystals!!!), and lysianthus (my favourite flower).
There will have to be s bit more to tie it together, but I haven't decided.

I am a paranoid asshole, so for fear of my idea being stolen, I'm not sure that I want to post it until I have the ink in me. So, that will take at least until bonus time, which isn't until April.


Now to find out if I can actually have a sleeve tattoo at work.
They have no issues with my arm, neck or finger (the ones that are most on display almost all of the time)... but a whole sleeve might be a different story. I can't afford to get a full sleeve AND a whole wardrobe of long-sleeve shirts.



I'm excited!!!!

Six Year Anniversary, Bad Ass Grandpa, and a Busy Summer

Holy shit!

As of yesteday, Chris and I have been together for six whole years.
SIX YEARS
And as Chris said yesterday, "Not over by a long shot".


Last week we had our first vacation time together in nearly two years!!
So, we went to Drumheller to see dinosaurs and eat the best burgers we've ever had, and Banff where we bought tons of candy. We have never been to either of these places together.

And at the end of this month we will be going on our first camping trip together in Elkwater.
His brother invited us, so now we have to scrounge up camping gear because we don't own any, but we are really looking forward to it. I haven't gone camping since the first summer after my dad died.

We are also going to try and go up to Edmonton this month to visit my "godfather" (not religious, my dad's best friend and an uncle to me growing up).
And the second last weekend of this month we are going to see LION KING!!!

This is the summer of us doing all of these things that we have never done before, and they are all AWESOME things!!!


During our vacation, my grandpa was hospitalized with a minor stroke and pretty severe brain bleeding. So he ended up with 50 skull staples after TWO brain surgeries! I visited on Friday (with a batch of his favourite cookies that I baked) because he was sent home only four days after his surgery, and you would not think that he had just gone through so much.
Seriously. My grandpa is such a badass.


Not much else has been going on...
I am super excited for camping, but I don't really want it to hurry up and be here because that would kind of mean the end of summer, and I'm really not ready for that yet.

I could never move away from my home to somewhere warmer... and -no offense to Americans- I have zero interest in living in the states, where the weather would be nicer... but I really do wish that summer was longer in Canada.

STONE PLUGS!!!!

The stone plugs are in!!!

My ears finally got all healed up and I was able to fit both pairs of my stone plugs in!

The opalite ones are a bit bigger, so I'm a little more partial to them.

It's hard to take pictures of your own ears....


I can't wait to go BIGGER!!!

"The Girl Covered In All The Ugly Stuff"

"She's the one covered in all of the... ugly stuff."

Yes.
That's me.

That is how my GRANDMOTHER was describing me last night to all of her friends and family at her and my grandfather's anniversary party.

Not, "the one with the purple and blonde hair", or "the one in the black and white dress", or "the one with the bright red lipstick".
No. Even after spending over an hour on my makeup and picking out and ironing a dress to look my best for family pictures, my brother and I are just labelled "the ugly grandchildren".
Just because we have tattoos

Feel the fucking love.

Eighth one down, a life-time more to go...

I broke down last night.
First time in a while...

I thought I could be strong this year; no tears.
I was alone for the night and looked at your picture on my desk...
I thought I could be strong and think about how much I love you on a day meant to celebrate everything you were to me.
Instead, I fell in to the hole...

I lost myself in the sadness.
And I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I am not yet strong enough to remember you with only happiness.
I'm working on it.
I promise.

You are so happy in this picture...
I wish we had taken more together. You loved taking pictures with us.
Teenaged vanity is a bitch. 
But we don't need pictures. It isn't about the pictures.
It's about you. We need you.

You were the best dad, a thoughtful mentor, a loving husband, a family man, a brilliant musician, a hard worker.
You were my best friend.

You gave up your dreams so we would never go a moment without sharing your love.
You worked through excruciating pain  and fatigue to give us everything we thought we could want, when all we really needed was you.
You were a hero to us.

You were the ultimate bad-ass with the biggest heart.


I could never stop missing you.
But I promise to do my best to be happy, for you.


Eighth Father's Day gone by without you...
A life-time more to go.


I love you, dad.

Healing, back to work, and diet talk?

This past week was my first back after two and a half weeks off.

I will not lie. It was hard to go back.
Being lazy can be just amazing!
And also really bad. Last surgery, I actually lost weight and was at a size that I was happy with (for a while, it all came back, and then some) this time I think that I gained some because I sat around doing nothing but eating crap for so long.

Squat challenge is on hold until I talk to my surgeon because I was told not to do any exercise. 
While I think that a squat challenge will really help me strengthen my thighs in a way I really need, it won't help me get rid of the fat on my body that I am so unhappy with.
I really need to eat healthier, mostly by getting rid of all the damn pop that I drink. Too damn much.

I won't go on a diet, those never work... but I am going to start cutting out the crap.


Healing....
I am basically all healed. The bruises are long gone, but I am having some issues.
the less problematic issue, the fast that my internal stitches were sticking out of the incision on my left side. So, I had to pull it out and cut it. Not exactly fun, but I will live.
The crappy thing, my right arm is having some weird muscle issues. From my arm pit all the way down to my wrist, some muscles just scream with pain and tension when I try to extend my arm. I will be talking to my surgeon about it when I see him at the end of the month. Until then, I massage and stretch it every day.

It has been a very uneventful few weeks, obviously.

So boring

Hyperhidrosis Surgery

I had my surgery on Wednesday.

Axillary liposuction of the sweat glands.


Everything went really well. I felt absolutely no nausea, which was fantastic from my point of view.
Apparently, I was in recovery for an hour longer than I was expected to be, but they never told me about it, and did not tell my mum that anything was wrong.

Besides being incredibly tired - over the course of three hours after 'waking up", I think I was awake for one hour- everything was great.

My right side is more sore and bruised than my left side, which is making me slightly nervous because it was my left side that was such an issue after the first surgery.
I will be FURIOUS if I still sweat after the botox (part of the procedure) wears off in about a month, which is how long it took last time before I started sweating again.

They used special scraping tools this time, so I am bruised like a peach.

Left side
Friday

Right side
Friday

 Now I am mostly yellow, but the left seems to be healing/fading faster than the right side.


Fingers crossed that my troubles are over and it was all worth it.
I don't know what I would do if I needed a third surgery.


~K

Aaron Does Body Suspension

I am so incredibly proud of my little brother!

On Sunday evening with the skilled professionals at Asteroid M, Aaron was lifted off of the ground by four large hooks carefully placed in the skin of his upper back.

His strength blew me away, and every time I look at the pictures taken that day, I am even more blown away.

Aaron kicking ass at his first suspension

Not only did he pull off that amazing feat, he then requested my help to push himself to the limit.

And he did this

 

I am so proud of him I could cry!

Special thanks to everyone at Asteroid M for making this possible for my brother.

 Such an incredible thing to witness, and even more to be a part of.

Surgery Countdown, BATMAN SWIMSUIT, and Squat Challenge??

Wow, it's been nearly a whole month since I updated.

I have been dealing with some shit... had a doctor recommend I look in to doing a six month trial of anti-depressants. I am seriously considering it, but I am going to leave it until after I finish with my surgery recovery.

I also had some invasive shit done with my eye because I have floaters, which they had to confirm wasn't a detached retina. Unfortunately, this meant half an hour of things touching my eyeballs and being wiggled around, including a huge lens thing. And I have to get more pictures taken of my eye on June 5th because I have a bump on my optic nerve that needs to have a better look at.
I'm just falling apart! 

My surgery is on Wednesday!
I'm simultaneously excited and dreading it at the same time. Excited to have the freedom to wear whatever I want (goodbye, insane amounts of black shirts), but not looking forward to the anesthesia. And not for the whole "There's a chance you may not wake up" crap, I trust the doctors.
What I'm worried about is my reaction to the anesthesia. Last time, I was close to being forced to stay over-night at the hospital because I was so incredibly nauseous but could not vomit. My body HATES letting me vomit, so I get stuck with feeling like dying for hours at a time. Not fun.

I will be off work from May 27th (surgery day) to June 14th (My Birthday!!), back to work June 15th.
So, I get to hang out with my best friend on the first and spend the whole day watching Gargoyles! Aww, yiss

Today I went shopping at my favourite store, Blame Betty, and second favourite store, Earth Gems, and third, DavidsTea, with my mum!
I got something from every single place.

My mum got me an amazing dress and skirt from Blame Betty, I got myself two amazing quartz specimens from Earth Gems, and I got some tea, too!

I believe tonight my brother is going to be doing some body suspensions (not for the feint of heart) and I will probably be going with him for moral support. I have never seen anything like it in person, so this should be interesting!


Right. The title mentions the SQUAT CHALLENGE.
I think I'm going to be doing this. I have gaied quite a bit of weight lately, all in my ass and thighs... so I think this squat challenge would be perfect for me.
Thirty day challege of squats, a break every fourth day, with increased number of squats every day.

I can do this!!! I am tough! I need an awesome ass and thighs for my BADASS new swimsuit!

Be jealous!! ahhhhhhhh

I will post pictures of my awesome Blame Betty buys when I am wearing them next. They are great!
And probably of my quartz buys too...

I'll do something at the end of the month of all the great crap I have bought. I'm going to have lots of free time.


Okay, bye

WOOHOO!

I'm going to Lion King!!!!


That's all for now.
I'm just insanely excited.

I can't wait for August!!

Fur Baby Love

I said there would be kittens. And there was kittens.

And I fell totally in love with one.
Can you guess which?

It may be hard to choose between all of those sweet little creatures. Let me give you another hint.

This little white beauty.

Look at that tail!! And she (quite sure it's a female - only took a quick glance) has super bright blue eyes and a grey nose to match her little ears and tail. I couldn't get a picture of the little angel's face, but trust me. She is perfect, and I love her.

But I probably can't have her...
We don't really own our place, and the person who bought it for us to live in doesn't like cats.

Unfortunately, the mortality rate of the cats on my grandparents farm is incredibly high on average. And right now they have a very aggressive tom cat that has been killing all of the litters that they haven't been fast enough to bring inside to safety.
She's white... she stands out - a lot.... and white cats with blue eyes have a 60-80% of being deaf.

I want to save her and bring her home to love forever.

She needs me.

I need her.

Updates, random shit, and Easter

First of all, regarding my last post...things are looking better. Not great, probably not even good, but better. 

Nothing life threatening is happening at the moment, but she is currently in hospital recovering from pneumonia. We visited on Wednesday and she looks tired, but she is her usual self and just wants to be home and warm. (Why are hospitals always so damn cold?)

Speaking of hospitals, I got the call and my surgery has been booked for May 27. My boss was amazing and is helping me organize with HR that I use short term disability and sick days instead of ALL of my vacation days to recover. Last time the week and three days off work just wasn't enough for how much I flail my arms around to do my job. 

I'll be off from May 27 to June 12 (plus the two days of weekend after the 12th).

Fingers crossed that everything works out with HR, and that this second surgery actually fixes the problem.

I finally bought a new purse. Not very exciting news, but my old beast of a purse was killing my shoulders because it was so massive and heavy. The current one, with all of my usual junk inside, weighs as much as the old one does with nothing in it! That's pretty bad. Plus, the new one has a shit ton of pockets, just like the old one. So, I'm not really compromising anything with the switch.

It's only been a couple of days and I already feel a difference. Ladies, heavy purses are NOT worth it.

I got my NuMe hair set in the mail this week. I'll do a whole separate post on that thing.

This coming week, Chris is going to paint the spare room for me. Then we can move all my stuff in to it and leave the larger room for a guest room, for now. I plan to buy a mirror and lights For above my desk to turn it into a kind of vanity. It will be nice to sit while doing my hair and makeup every morning. Plus, I won't have to worry about the steam/heat from the shower ruining my makeup products.

I'm looking forward to the finished product, though I'm still struggling to figure out how I'm going to be setting up the room. 

Tomorrow and Sunday I go to my grandparents' for each side of the family (dad's side and mum's) for Easter dinner. Good food, family, and probably a new litter of kittens to see! My grandparents (dad's side) raise the most well behaved and friendly cats I have ever met, and they are mostly outdoor barn cats. KITTENS!!!! So excited

There will most likely be pictures.

Happy Easter. I hope everyone eats until they burst. I know I will

~K

I Don't Know How to Handle This...

I have been quiet again... It's been a rough month.

I was horribly sick at the beginning of the month. Strep throat, ear infection, and a sinus infection. It was just a miserable time, made more miserable by the awful steroids I was given for the infections. My vision is still recovering from the damn stuff, everything far away is very fuzzy - not fun!

Then, about a week ago, we got some scary news about someone who I have become very close with over the last five and half years, and even lived with for nearly two years... a few years back her cancer came back and she has been fighting it pretty hard. Unfortunately, the rest of her body is falling apart just as hard from things unrelated.

I don't have a lot of experience with death.
When I was seven I had a great grandmother pass away, but I hardly knew the woman. And when I was sixteen my dad passed away very unexpectedly from pulmonary artery disease.
That's it.
(Not to say that all death isn't awful and traumatizing... I consider myself lucky to have experienced so little in my life)

I have never had to hear "They have X amount of time".
She may be an older woman, and we may have been expecting things to take a turn for the worst for a while now... but to actually hear it?
I am really struggling with it right now.

I don't know how to react, but from my past experience with my father I know that I have to talk about it. I can't go through the horrible stress and depression I went through for two years after he passed away, all because I kept everything bottled up inside.
I won't do that to myself again. I won't do that to the people I love again.

I don't know what to say... but I won't stop talking.
I will get through this, and I will be there for her and love her, and cherish every moment.
We know we have the time, I won't let it go to waste.

Oops! Bye, February!

Well, February had a bunch of stuff happen and I didn't stop to write about any of it.
Why did I start this in the first place if I forget to write about the interesting things?!



Most exciting thing:
I get to be a bridesmaid for my best friend!!
So happy that my best friend is getting married to get perfect match, and also happy that she has asked me to be a part of that day! 2016 is going to be a happy year!

I was able to use work points and money from selling some old massage equipment to by myself an iPad mini! I'm pretty happy about it, I got it mostly for reading, I can't wait to read my first download: Trigger Warning by Neil Gaiman


Everything else that has happened really hasn't been that exciting...

Chris' best friend of like seven years moved back to BC. We are happy that he is going to do something that makes him happy, but it is always sad to see people go.

Chris and I went to the Tim Horton's Brier... it was interesting to see curling for the first time.

And Chris and I caught some horrendous colds, of which I am still getting over.
Today is the second day in a row that I am staying home from work. It went from horrible coughing that kept me up all night and made me miserable for a couple days, to now having the worst sinus congestion I have ever felt. It feels like I've been punched in the nose...

I feel like shit for missing work and making my team members have an extra work load, but I would not be able to work very well in the state that I've been in... plus, I would probably just make everyone sick!

So, that is my not very exciting update of February.

January Favourites

I did quite a bit of shopping this month and bought a lot of things that I am super in love with.

So, out of boredom, I'll talk about some of that stuff.


I bought two pairs of the most comfortable pants ever!! The super soft jeans from Bluenotes. I got a pair in grey and a pair in purple. Wow, do I ever wish that I had bought more colours because they are now sold out! :(
They aren't even denim material, just some kind of incredibly soft super-fabric.
I am in love with these pants. If you can find them, BUY THEM!!!!
I also got a couple of tops from Bluenotes (for incredibly cheap) that I absolutely adore, and I can even wear them to work (business casual style).


Next.
On the topic of soft. Let us talk about my AMAZING new makeup brush. The softest brush ever used on my face.
The Sephora Collection Pro Full Coverage Airbrush #53. A super fluffy fan, it is an amazing all-purpose brush. I use it for my liquid foundation and it is just perfect! Everyone should own one of these.


My new boots.
I got these babies from Ardene. Let me just say, thank the gods I have pretty damn skinny calves, because they make everything in that damn store for the skinniest people on the planet. (I should probably just say pre-teens, but these clothes just don't always seem adolescent appropriate)
These boots kick ass. Plus, only $45, so the same price as a cheap-ass pair of boots from Payless, but made with a far better sole, so you won't have to worry about wet feet less than a year after owning them.

And last, my favourite and most recent purchase!.

Amethyst and opalite plugs for my ears, from the most incredible store in the city, Earth Gems!

I LOVE gem stones and crystals and such. So getting to wear them is very exciting! And their prices are just AMAZING! Only $26 for the two pairs!

Definitely buying more!! Just... After I stretch up to larger sizes. Once I have the size I'm happy with... BUY ALL THE STONES!

I can't wait to wear these

The pretties

Earth Gems is my kryptonite... I have to be so careful when I go in that store. I also bought a large chunk of raw emerald when I bought these. I restrained myself this time.

Basically, this is me when I go to Earth Gems:

Those are the things that I am most happy about, that I can think of, anyway.

Yay, January!

Bryan Adams and Awaiting Surgery

On Thursday I went to see the surgeon again to talk about getting my surgery re-done.
We talked for less than five minutes before he -rather dejectedly- explained the typical surgery risks to me again and slid over the paper for me to sign in agreement.

I am now on the waiting list to get my sweat-gland surgery done again. This second time around they will be using a much more scary type of liposuction rod that has a rotating scraper on it. It is such a vigorous procedure that he had to warn me that it can cause tearing in my skin. I was willing to have the whole area just cut right out, so tiny tearing scars don't bother me.

I have no idea how long that I am going to have to wait for a time slot to open up for me... last time I was lucky and a cancellation got me in only three weeks after my consultation.
Fingers crossed that this happens again!


Yesterday, on Friday, I went to see Bryan Adams with my mum and my brother.

It was absolutely AMAZING!! Such a fantastic experience to see him in concert, and I have now had the pleasure of going to two of his. He is a brilliant performer.

But spending the time with my family was definitely the highlight.

Nice Try, Universe

The universe seemed to perceive that I was just having far too good a year so far and decided to throw me a curve ball.

Bladder infection... dun dun.

Well, I say FUCK YOU!
That's right, despite being uncomfortable and having to take antibiotics that could possibly make me spend an entire day hunched over a toilet (like the last time)... I really am not fazed by it.
I still would like it very very much if I don't vomit

I only have to work for three days this week. I had two remaining vacation days from 2014, so I took Thursday and Friday off. Thursday I go see my surgeon and we get this sweat-gland shit dealt with, and Friday...

Friday is BRYAN fucking ADAMS, bitches!!!
Aaron got our mum, himself, and I tickets for Christmas.


Screw you, bladder infection. You can't ruin my good week.

Sincerely,
Someone who is having far too good a Monday -especially considering- to be a normal human. 

Body Mod = Happiness?

It has been one week since I got my ears stretched, and what a week it has been!

I had my performance review at work. This is usually something that is incredibly stressful; trying to sell yourself, talking one-on-one with your manager about everything good and bad you have done all year; being judged on something you had to work hours on... all so you can earn your yearly bonus.
Normally, this would have me sweating bullets and having a severe anxiety attack - seriously, I DO NOT do well in this type of situation. But, not only did I do a great job on my review, I was not at all anxious about the whole thing. At least not beyond my usual awkward fidgeting and laughing uncomfortably that I get with ALL of my human interactions.

Nearly everyone else on my team this week has seemed horribly stressed, including someone I work pretty closely with. Instead of letting it affect me, like I usually do, I spent my time trying to cheer her up and give her the positive energy she needed, instead of adding to the stress.

Chris has been hanging out with friends, either here or out somewhere, nearly every day this week. This usually seems to hover over me like some kind of dark cloud and would give me major anxiety. While I found myself getting a little bored not being able to catch up on the youtube videos we always watch together, there was no anxiety.

Hell, I even have my period this week!! (TMI, sorry. I have no filter. Wait, not sorry! THIS IS MY BLOG. YOU CAN'T CENSOR ME!!!!!)

Yet, I have been full of general happiness. I have had more of a permanent smile on my face instead of my resting bitch face of the norm.
I went shopping and bought five shirts (three of which were just boring old t-shirts - BUT I LOVE THEM) and a makeup brush yesterday and I was in the best mood for the whole night!
And I have been acting like a silly little git!

I think I'm SO clever

And today, when Chris asked me if I wanted anything from Safeway, my immediate and enthusiastic reply was 'BERF JERKER". I actually said it that way, unintentionally too. I've been such a weirdo.I will not be bothered to ask for a pardon on my enthusiasm, beef jerky is fucking fantastic.

I feel like my old self.
And for over a year I have been talking to Chris that maybe I should go to my doctor about getting checked out/get meds for depression.

I hope that this feeling lasts. It's amazing. I will not miss the miserable shit I have been for the past like two years if she went away forever.

The funny thing is that it's been five years since my last piercing and two years since my last tattoo.
Probably a coincidence... but maybe when I'm not getting evenly spread out body modifications, it makes me feel like I'm not myself. Something I really need to think about.


Well, I have gone on long enough for today...


TOODLES!

Plug Day!

Getting ready for an awesome day - regular ol' pierced ears

I got picked up by my awesome little brother, Aaron, around one o'clock and he took me to see the talented Dan Marshall at Heroes and Villains!

This is where I got my 2 gauge plugs!! I will be stretching probably to around a 00 (double zero) eventually. Very exciting

Not at all as painful as I expected it to be. And I'm super happy that he gave my other three lobe piercing holes on each ear lots of room to keep jewellery in. I'm keeping the jewellery out until my new holes heal, though.

I am incredibly happy with how they turned out.
I can't wait to get myself some awesome stone jewellery. Definitely want some jade!


Had lunch with Aaron afterwards at Brewsters. We were pretty unimpressed with our food, and pretty sure that our caesars had practically no booze. But it was still great because I got to spend the day hanging out with my brother.

I think they look pretty damn good

New Year, New Blog, New Adventures!

2014 has been an interesting year...

I have been struggling with digestive issues, probably IBS (ugh, TMI. Sorry) And one thing that was supposed to be amazing and really change things went wrong. After eight years of waiting, I finally got the surgery to remove my sweat glands because my hyperhydrosis was dehydrating me (I wasn't sweating, I was just losing water). I was so happy, I would feel physically better, AND I would get to wear whatever kinds of tops and dresses that I want for the first time since before puberty. Nope! My one side is still sweating just like before... So, January 19 I go back to my surgeon and we decide whether to do it all again, or just remove the tissue in each arm pit so the whole problem area is entirely gone. Both options will be an uncomfortable (to say the least) recovery.
But I'm determined to get this shit over with.

My number one weight on my shoulders the past year has been finances. Things have been tight. A lot of debt and a lot of stress... I'm thinking of picking up a part time job in a liquor store (such an easy, awesome job) again to help us pay off all our crap so we can get on with our lives.

Had a couple pregnancy scares this year as well, because my body is just a giant troll.
Honestly, I really want to have kids (seriously. my ovaries have been SCREAMING for babies all damn year) but the idea of getting pregnant NOW?! Terrifying. I would at least like to not be in debt. At least we have good jobs and a house.
And don't get me started on the whole "marriage should come first" thing. Chris seems to think this way, I'm more "whatever happens, happens", and while I really want to get married (seriously, over five years now. Where's my ring?! haha) I'm quickly getting over the whole idea of marriage. We talk about all this stuf, but stupid money gets in the way of us accomplishing any of our sterotypical "happy family" goals. Money....


Plans for 2015.

1) WRITE
2) FUCKING WRITE. Seriously. I need to make goals like five pages a week, minimum. Get shit done!
3) I'm a negative person. I seem to dwell on everything bad. So, this year I am making myself a Happiness Jar. Every good thing that happens will be written down and put in to a jar, so whenever I need a reminder to stop being a whiny bitch I will have a ton of reasons!
4) On Saturday (the third)  I am getting PLUGS! My brother paid for me to get my ears stretched. And by the BEST guy in the entire province, so I'm super excited about this. I have wanted stretched ears for years, but there was no way I was going to do it manually, then I found out I don't have to do it that way. I can't wait to buy myself some stone jewellery!
5) Climb the mountain in Banff with the tea house on top.
6)Second surgery.

Oh yeah. And I REALLY  want to get a cat this year. I just need to convince Chris' mum, who owns the house we are renting. I WANT A KITTY

Not super exciting... but the list will grow.
Or I could focus on writing.


Well, that was a haphazard way to introduce myself.....


Here's to all the best in 2015